Friday, June 18, 2010

Thought Bubble

Some people naturally draw others to them. Some people are very adept at expressing themselves and some stir emotions in others.

I see people who are receivers and those who are givers. The receivers have others wanting to be in their favor and others offer themselves and make themselves available. Givers don't have this natural draw and have to work at relationships much harder because no opportunities are offered to them.

Anyone have a guess as to which type I would be?

A: None of the above and a giver.
I have a subtle way of expressing myself. I don't laugh too loud, I don't react strongly, I'm not one to outwardly "ooh" and "ahh" at events or people. (I could feel overwhelming joy but unless I'm in my own house, I'll be bouncing up and down screaming only in my head.) But that doesn't mean I'm not happy or that I don't care.  I'm sure there might be people who think that of me but they've never taken the time to get to know me well enough to pick up on these things. I consider myself a giver because if I always just let things be and never said anything to someone I was interested in befriending, I would have zero friends. I don't ever have people trying to start up conversations with me and I'm the one trying to make myself available to meet up with people because otherwise we wouldn't see each other. I'm not bitter about it anymore because I'm sure each type has problems and perks of its own. It is what it is.

This is why I have a lot of trouble understanding how you're supposed to make real friends out of high school. Throughout elementary, middle, and high school, you're basically stuck with the same group of kids day in and day out. It could be seen as obligatory time where you can't help but get to know your peers and then you develop connections and build memories together in and outside of school. That time doesn't seem to be available in college (outside being in a fraternity/sorority/dorming), church, or if you're not in a 9-5 office setting.

I really have a hard time calling people my friend if I feel like we're not close. "Friend" is a very meaningful word and I don't want to just throw it all around and call everyone I know a friend. (Like the word "love". There's no more weight to it because it's misused so often.) I'm a pretty black and white person: it's either this or that to me and I make my decisions and act around that and it makes me somewhat stubborn. This means it's hard for me to lump "hung out a couple times" friend, "had classes together" friend, "somewhat close" friend, "close" friend, "best" friend all together as just friends. But it seems wrong to differentiate because "acquaintance" sounds cold when used.

So what I'm saying is I need time to build a friendship but it's not given to me. People just don't have the time anymore. It's understandable, but it's a shame. I feel like I'm someone who needs extra time so the other person realizes I'm not just a blah person and there is much to know about me and that I have a lot to offer as a friend. I just don't know how to promote myself as a potential friend me being the way that I am. I really suck at making conversation so if you say something about the weather I'll be like "yeah...{wishing I could bring something else up but I have no clue so end.}" I am slow to speak so I often miss chances to say something. I'm like an old person in a young person's body the way I view some things and I don't really know how to let go and party. I'm 22 but I've never been clubbing, I've never had any relationships other than my husband, I've never even gone on dates with anyone other than my husband, I don't really drink, I'm out of school but I'm not working, and I'm married. So I could give you a lot of advice about how to be a goody-two-shoes but it's definitely hard for me to relate to most 22-year-olds who are still living it up.

I'm not writing this in a sad or disappointed tone, I am actually very content with my life and the few friends I do have so that any new friends would totally be the cherry on top. It's just that I wonder about friendship and its place in my life and the type of person I am. I struggled a lot with the idea of friendship (what it means, does it matter, why can't I make any new ones, am I losing touch with old friends) and questioning what's wrong with myself during college, but I've given up this issue and all the conflicted emotions I had with it since then to God so I'm patiently waiting and watching.

What type of person do you think you are? What role does friendship play in your life right now? Has it changed since you were in high school?

1 comment:

Starry said...

I have the very same problem with making friends. I'm not a huge conversationist. I find it hard to make small talk. When it comes to finding someone I think I might like to befriend, I get an attack of the bashfuls. I'm not sure why it is. Aside from that, some of my very best friends live a long way away so I've resigned myself to not seeing them often.

I really wish I could make friends easily, but truthfully I don't often meet people on my wave length. Like you, the people I meet want to go clubbing more than they want to be creative or go to an exhibition.

Luckily though I am dating my very best friend and what I lack in really good friends he makes up for every day.

That's my 2 cents.