Friday, June 15, 2012

Absence

#photoadaymay
I've been absent because for a while, I found my heart wasn't in the right place while blogging. I started out blogging to share news with family and friends of how I'm doing from miles away and for my own "scrapbooking" but I got caught up in appearances and soon it became a chore.

I was blogging for a small invisible audience that I kept track of with feed reader numbers and even though I received no feedback, perhaps that was feedback enough. It didn't matter in the beginning, but when I spent time reading other blogs and seeing the many comments left for others, it started to bother me that I wasn't receiving any. I wanted to do more things to show how happy and full and creative my life was, but I don't have time to take photos of me and L crafting and playing outside in beautiful places. (I still don't know who takes all of these stunning photos on other blogs when it seems to be just mom and kids.) I'm really reading books all day (the same one over and over) and avoiding blocks on the floor and doing dishes and being pulled towards hallways and crevices that intrigue L which he must show me. I don't bake delicious things every day in my well-lit spotless kitchen (I wish), nor do I even get out of my pajamas often enough to think about styling myself. I wear pretty much the same things over and over again and my hair is just washed and left to dry by itself. This doesn't mean I don't take care of myself, but other more important things seem to come up and I don't mind.

It just seems so silly to be caught up in this made up world of perfection. It really does not matter that only a few people (who I actually know in real life) reply, because it makes sense. They care about me and what I write about my life and family; for everyone else, this makes complete sense and I completely agree, now that I've given up that envy of others. I don't want it to feel forced anymore. I was never dishonest about what I did and what I shared on here, but the heart behind it was to show and get attention, some sort of acknowledgment that, "yes you are living a great life." How silly.

I like spending my evenings reading or catching up on dramas with Tare or just being still. I don't have time for blogging right now and it feels nice to step away and enjoy memories for myself. (Path and Instagram are exceptions! ;) I want to be more honest about how imperfect I am so I write this holding back the urge to edit myself. I'm being honest about how I've felt and it is a little embarrassing to bare. I am so used to editing my words because I thought no one would want to read it but this time I want this on record.

Readings that convicted and made me reflect on myself...
The Fight of My Life
The Disease Called Perfection
When You Want to be Known

My absence from this place is giving me time to reflect and gather myself, invest in growing my relationships, and not wanting to be and editing myself to appear perfect for someone else to see. I'm working on me as God created me to be which is hard, but easier knowing He loves me as I am. I'm not writing off for good... simply refreshing my purpose and intentions in sharing.

6 comments:

cat said...

haha from the thumbnails i thought that you had gotten a piercing :)  i had similar thoughts/feelings too. like the whole OMG I WANNA BE A SUPER BLOGGER TOO AND HAVE ALL THIS ATTN ON ME! ...but after much self reflection, i'm a very private person anyways. haha. i like reading your blogs though and if it means anything i only come onto blogger to see your posts!!! (and start on some of mine and never finish. haha)

sandy a la mode said...

hi sweetie!! i love following your blog and life and all the little updates on your little guy!! i definitely think it's important to blog for yourself and not get caught up in the numbers (although sometimes that can be difficult)! i really love your blog and photos and everything so if anything.. keep blogging for me! ;)

Stephanie said...

Since you haven't posted in awhile, and I do follow your blog, just wanted to say I have enjoyed reading it.  I started following your blog probably about a year ago.  You're similar in age to me (I'm 25) with some similar interests (crafts!), so it's been fun following along with where you are in life.  Definitely blog for yourself, but just wanted to let you know I really have enjoyed reading all of your posts and seeing your family grow.

Daycia Harley said...

I know I may not comment much, however I love reading your blog posts. I am happy you are taking time to yourself and catching up on your personal life. Stay strong, lovely!

Sherry said...

I miss your blog. How are you and your family doing?

Jennylou Raya said...

thank you for this post.  it's been almost a year since i have dropped by... you have spoken exactly my thoughts on mom-blogging.  it was for family then i got all caught up in the amazing beautiful mom blogs and started thinking "why can't i do that and that perfectly too?!"... and i tried.. and my kids are pleading to be held while i get things just right.. so i laid off of it. i am getting back to it but very low key indeed and may the perfectionism stay away.