Friday, June 15, 2012

Absence

#photoadaymay
I've been absent because for a while, I found my heart wasn't in the right place while blogging. I started out blogging to share news with family and friends of how I'm doing from miles away and for my own "scrapbooking" but I got caught up in appearances and soon it became a chore.

I was blogging for a small invisible audience that I kept track of with feed reader numbers and even though I received no feedback, perhaps that was feedback enough. It didn't matter in the beginning, but when I spent time reading other blogs and seeing the many comments left for others, it started to bother me that I wasn't receiving any. I wanted to do more things to show how happy and full and creative my life was, but I don't have time to take photos of me and L crafting and playing outside in beautiful places. (I still don't know who takes all of these stunning photos on other blogs when it seems to be just mom and kids.) I'm really reading books all day (the same one over and over) and avoiding blocks on the floor and doing dishes and being pulled towards hallways and crevices that intrigue L which he must show me. I don't bake delicious things every day in my well-lit spotless kitchen (I wish), nor do I even get out of my pajamas often enough to think about styling myself. I wear pretty much the same things over and over again and my hair is just washed and left to dry by itself. This doesn't mean I don't take care of myself, but other more important things seem to come up and I don't mind.

It just seems so silly to be caught up in this made up world of perfection. It really does not matter that only a few people (who I actually know in real life) reply, because it makes sense. They care about me and what I write about my life and family; for everyone else, this makes complete sense and I completely agree, now that I've given up that envy of others. I don't want it to feel forced anymore. I was never dishonest about what I did and what I shared on here, but the heart behind it was to show and get attention, some sort of acknowledgment that, "yes you are living a great life." How silly.

I like spending my evenings reading or catching up on dramas with Tare or just being still. I don't have time for blogging right now and it feels nice to step away and enjoy memories for myself. (Path and Instagram are exceptions! ;) I want to be more honest about how imperfect I am so I write this holding back the urge to edit myself. I'm being honest about how I've felt and it is a little embarrassing to bare. I am so used to editing my words because I thought no one would want to read it but this time I want this on record.

Readings that convicted and made me reflect on myself...
The Fight of My Life
The Disease Called Perfection
When You Want to be Known

My absence from this place is giving me time to reflect and gather myself, invest in growing my relationships, and not wanting to be and editing myself to appear perfect for someone else to see. I'm working on me as God created me to be which is hard, but easier knowing He loves me as I am. I'm not writing off for good... simply refreshing my purpose and intentions in sharing.